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Five Things I Will Never Understand

January 29, 2010

1. People who feel the need to dump their bass-heavy tunes out of their car windows as they drive. If you absolutely must listen to music like that, you could at least have the decency to a) turn the volume down to something within the range of human hearing, and b) roll up your goddamned windows. I do not want to listen to your crap. More importantly, I do not want to feel your crap. Yesterday I had one such asshole on my tailpipe; my teeth were actually vibrating from his ‘music.’

2. William Faulkner, Cormac McCarthy, James Joyce, and other ‘literary’ authors who turned their backs on punctuation. I’ve read The Sound and the Fury, Blood Meridian, and Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man and I don’t get it. But what’s more – I don’t understand why saying, ‘I didn’t like Blood Meridian, with its lack of quotation marks and nameless protagonist,’ makes me the Enemy of Literature, as if one cannot be an educated person of taste if one does not comprehend the raw emotion of, say,  Faulkner’s Vardaman whose mother is a fish. Why is it a crime to like a comprehensible narrative?

3. The frozen yogurt fad. There are almost as many fro-yo shops on Melrose as there are medical marijuana care collectives (which, at last count, numbered 12 between Fairfax and La Brea).

4. People who have started smoking in the last twenty years. With everything we know about smoking and cancer, this one baffles me. There are no benefits to cigarettes as far as I know, not even a high or buzz. (I have no personal experience, but I’m given to understand people enjoy these things – while they last.) Those who have been smoking since the fifties – okay, not so easy to quit, but people who’ve picked it up in the last decade?

5. “Reality” television. I will occasionally tune into Ace of Cakes, or HGTV, and had brief affairs with The Dog Whisperer and The Amazing Race, but ultimately I got bored with it. As for the really trashy stuff, I don’t personally find it entertaining to watch obnoxious people be cruel to one another.  I get enough reality in reality, so when I watch TV, I’m looking for an escape.

To each her own.

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