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Decoding the Emmys

September 21, 2009


I don’t usually bother to watch the Emmys. I love television, but the television I love is rarely even nominated, and the show lacks the full-scale spectacle of the Oscars. However, this year the hosting duties went to Neil Patrick Harris, and who am I to turn away from NPH, Dr. Horrible himself? (Besides, almost everyone on Twitter was abuzz and I knew it would bug me if I wasn’t in on the fun.)

Forget the wrap-up – what the Emmys need are subtitles. Here’s what I learned from this year’s program:

  • All awards shows should feature an original musical number and be hosted by someone who has practiced his hosting on the Tonys. This will make things easier for the day when all of the ceremonies are combined into one giant hybrid: the Acadegramtonespiremmy Awards.
  • Celebrities should not wear solid red on the red carpet unless they want to clash or disappear in the press photos. Corollary: dresses with long, sloppy trains look like unfinished Project Runway designs.
  • Kristin Chenoweth is adorable, talented, and unemployed.
  • The Academy was blackmailed into voting for Jon Cryer, or his win was the result of leftover sentiment from the death of John Hughes.
  • Justin Timberlake should give up music and join SNL as a regular.
  • Blake Lively would like everyone to know she has breasts. (Message received.)
  • People are finally tired of Monk.
  • Everyone loves Lorne Michaels, and I should fax him my resume.
  • I still don’t get Family Guy.
  • People swear a lot in “reality” programming.
  • Survivor is still on the air. Go figure.
  • Drew Barrymore and Justin Long are back together. It saddens me to realize that I actually care. It’s even sadder that I was upset when Cherry Jones didn’t thank partner (ex-partner?) Sarah Paulson in her acceptance speech. And it’s perhaps saddest that I am aware of these things.
  • Anna Torv would also like the world to know she has breasts.
  • There are not enough female comedy writers, and The Daily Show in particular needs more estrogen. (FYI, Jon Stewart, I’m totally available.)
  • For the number of writers SNL has, the writing should be better.
  • Jon Stewart gets to brag about having two more Emmys tonight; Stephen Colbert will probably challenge him to a duel.
  • We lost a lot of good people this year, and many of them quite young. Way to bring the party down, Sarah McLachlan.
  • Breaking Bad gets a lot of applause and Bryan Cranston wins another Emmy, despite the questionable grammar of the show’s title.
  • In a year where Jeremy Piven didn’t even get nominated for Supporting Actor, someone still thought Entourage was funny enough to be nominated for Best Comedy.
  • Dealing drugs will get you an Emmy nomination (see Mary Louise Parker and Bryan Cranston).

And, of course, the most important lesson of all: Television is dead. The internet reigns supreme, featuring such delightful programming as QUEST FOR COMIC-CON on YouTube. And if you haven’t added yourself as a Fan on Facebook, what are you waiting for?

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