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Why Modern Vampires Figuratively Suck

June 30, 2009


I blame Anne Rice.  Never mind that I’ve never read any of her books, and my knowledge of her basically stops after, “wrote about vampires, found religion, wrote about Jesus.” She started it, this whole vampire craze. I used to be a fan, but enough is enough. Sure, vampires have been popular fodder for ages, but once you slap a pair of fangs on Brad Pitt, you can kiss the scary bit goodbye.

There used to be standards, you know. There used to be rules. No sun, no garlic, a stake to the heart and kaput. Burnings were good, as were decapitations, and you were safe so long as God was your co-pilot. Vampires were evil, blood-sucking fiends from places like Romania, they owned castles and could turn into bats. They lived in shadows. They had style, but not necessarily sex appeal.

Now days all we’ve got are a bunch of castrated Hells Angels who mope around and whine about being monsters – and they’re everywhere. They don’t drink from humans or practice polygamy, they can take long walks in the park under the sun, chow down on pesto pasta, and attend Mass on Sundays.  Why not just make up a new name for these sparkling vegetarians, because they sure as hell aren’t vampires. If you want to ignore the rules so that your undead hero can get into your heroine’s pants, fine. Just please stop pretending that these guys are any more dangerous or alluring than a biker in a leather jacket.

They have feelings. They fall in love. And, like penguins, they frequently mate for life, though they don’t seem to be keen on sharing their immortality with their true loves, resigning themselves to centuries of celibacy and emo rock after their human lovers wither and die.

We get it – vampires are the ultimate bad boys, the ones every girl in her heart of hearts wants to tame. Fine. Then they should really be bad. None of this, “I want your blood, but I respect you too much to drink it.” They should be trying to sink their teeth into young virgins left and right, until you’re forced to smack them across the nose with a newspaper like a misbehaving puppy. Modern vampires are always trying to control their ‘primal instincts,’ but why? They’re not supposed to care what other people think of them, they’re vampires.

They don’t even make effective bodyguards because they’re too busy worrying about their damsels in distress, who are inevitably being tortured by the ‘bad’ modern vampires. Despite having centuries of life experiences and chances to adopt hobbies, these vampires are rather…boring. It’s all about the sex, clearly. That’s why vampires are everywhere now, because they’re sexy. Is one fat, bald, blood-thirsty vampire too much to ask for?

It’s not hard to see where the vampire myth and sex became inextricably intertwined; the symbolism of puncturing a woman’s jugular and sucking out her life force isn’t lost on me, but that strong embrace and those color-changing eyes also come with possessiveness, mad jealousy, and a side of stalking, which are not particularly attractive qualities.

If we’re going to keep going with this ‘vampires are dead sexy and secretly cuddly little puppies’ motif, we could at least try a new spin: a female vampire in love with a human male. He wants to watch football, she wants to bathe in the blood of virgins – they’re the ultimate odd couple!

Either let the vampire thing rest in peace, or give us one that hasn’t been neutered.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. stephanie permalink
    June 30, 2009 10:49 am

    Tell us what you really think! Don’t dis Anne Rice (at least before she became obsessed with god.) Her vampires were both deadly and sexy–but they didn’t have sex, and they could be killed by stakes, the sun and fire, unless they they were very powerful.

  2. TWoods permalink
    July 11, 2009 10:02 pm

    “Just please stop pretending that these guys are any more dangerous or alluring than a biker in a leather jacket.”

    Well, I just happen to recall a couple of bikers in leather jackets who WERE much more alluring and scary and dangerous than this bloody (or bloodless ?) sparkling vegans…

    Remember “Party all night. Sleep all day. Never grow old. Never die. It´s fun to be a vampire.”?

  3. July 19, 2009 1:36 pm

    Love it… It’s just what I’ve been thinking. I’m just glad to know someone else out there thinks the same as me ;-[

  4. Jen permalink
    July 23, 2009 8:48 pm

    Vampire Eric on HBO’s True Blood is portrayed just like a vampire should be. He’s very animalistic and aggressive, yet sexy and intelligent. Vampire Bill on the other hand is more like of a washed down vamp. So I think True Blood has a pretty good mix of both types.

  5. Mohini permalink
    March 15, 2010 3:08 pm

    ” female vampire in love with a human male”
    if your into reading, there is one other breath of vampires, and this time the vampyers a girl, in love with a human, not that she realises till the last book out.
    its called House of Night.


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