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Spam-a-Lot

May 4, 2009

spam

There’s been a sudden influx of spam in my life, and I can’t help wondering if this is the price to be paid for the sudden increase in my awesome quotient. Have I let my guard down in my quest to win the internets? Or is it just that with all my online activity (Starpulse, Scribophile, blog, Twitter, Facebook) my information is getting caught in the phishing net.

Whatever it is, my spam filters are really falling down on the job – in the last twenty minutes I got two blatant scams in my regular mailbox. There are at least three “woman” desperate for sex following me on Twitter (all of whom have now been “suspended for strange activity,” how tragic.)  This blog is catching 10 spam comments a day, all block paragraphs of random words, and most stemming from the entry on the proper way to post on Craiglist. That one’s a real spam magnet.

Those aren’t as much fun, of course, as the e-mail from Mrs. Cindy Rogers, who referred to me as “Dear beloved In Christ!!!!” There are, as any regular readers of my blog know, several things wrong with that address.  First, I’m not sure how you can be beloved in Christ. If Christianity floats your boat, I suppose you could be beloved by Christ, or beloved of Christ, but maybe she means that salutation to infer some sort of connection between us, like “with you in spirit.”  Either way, she’s barking up the wrong atheist Jew, and to quote the great Terry Pratchett, “Multiple exclamation marks are the sure sign of a diseased mind.”

Mrs. Rogers (no relation) is evidentally from Greece, but “resides in east london united kingdom,” and wants to leave me all her money after she dies, so her relatives won’t use her late husband’s money for “ungodly.”  I am to use the $4,200,000 dollars to help the “motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows.” I can’t call her because of all those pesky, ungodly relatives hanging around, but I can contact her lawyer, Mr. Kenneth T-Swiss, who is expecting me.

It must be my last name. Admittedly, a Jew with the surname “Christopher” is a bit confusing, but that’s what happens when you’ve got a matrilineal religion and father born Catholic. Mrs. Rogers evidentally thinks I’m with the Church. I really do hate to disappoint the motherless and less privilege [sic], not to mention all those widows, but I can’t in good conscience take the dying Greco-Anglo woman’s money considering all the ungodly things I’d do with it.

As soon as I made this noble decision, I was presented with another offer, this one from Barr. Ayman Noufl of Dubai, United Arab Emirates, acting on behalf of “Mrs. Zainab Othman Nationality of Malaysia.” This was a dynamite investment opportunity, and I was sought out as “a foreign investor with many years of experience to manage her late husband’s funds.”  So many dead husbands. I wish I knew how these men met their tragic ends.

Assuming “Barr.” stands for Barrister, I must give credit to Mr. Noufl for paying extra attention to detail. He could so easily have been just another scumbag lawyer, but no – he’s a barrister. His understanding of the British system of law gives  him an extra level of credibility. Unfortunately I fear Mr. Noufl has been had by Mrs. Nationality of Malaysia. I am not, after all, a foreign investor with years of experience; anything in the realm of finance makes me nauseous. So either she’s mixed me up with someone else, or dear, sweet Zainab is full of it. She probably killed her husband for his money. Get out while you still can, Ayman, or you’ll be next!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. stephanie permalink
    May 4, 2009 11:39 am

    Hilarious, thanks. Your post really improved my day.

  2. May 4, 2009 7:28 pm

    Considering changing my career to scam artist. If we go into business together perhaps we can double our earnings? Our claim to fame might be our impeccable grammar, which would make us all the more credible. Currently formulating a list of dead relative names and heart-string-tugging causes. You in?

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