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Merry Hanukkah!

December 27, 2008
Pilot hopes you had a happy holiday.

Pilot hopes you had a happy holiday.

Ten Reasons I’m a Bad Jew

1. I love bacon.  I mean, I *love* it.  Particularly when it’s sliced thin and extra crispy so that it sort of melts on the tongue.   Someday, I hope to eat it covered in chocolate.  I’ve been known to buy bottles of bacon bits and eat them by the handful.* 

2.  The only Hebrew I know is the prayer for lighting the candles at Hanukkah, and reliable sources (like the menorah app on my iPhone) have informed me that there are actually more than one, so, fail.

3. We missed the third night of Hanukkah because I was tired, and then I went Christmas shopping with my dad at Christmas Central.  By the fifth night of Hanukkah we’d run out of candles so we said, ‘Ah, screw it.’

4. I wished harm on members of Chabad for blocking traffic with their endless Hanukkah parade down Melrose.  I mean, they just kept coming, like those clown cars at the circus.  They had a police escort.  And there was no warning.

5. I’ve never fasted for any holiday.  I’m a total nosher, I’ve never seen the point in starving myself.  And when my metabolism slows down and my eating habits catch up with me, that’ll probably change.

6. Most of what I know about Hanukkah comes from the Rugrats special.

7. I have not bought my dog a yarmulke.  Though I probably would if they came in his size.

8. I still don’t really understand what makes something kosher.  For that matter, I have a hard time remembering which day is the Sabbath.

9. I’m only in it for the gelt.  And the latkes.

10. I celebrate Christmas.  That’s probably frowned upon.  But Christmas has a tree that smells nice with ornaments, and a mascot designed by Coca Cola, and 8 to 9 reindeer depending on who you talk to.  And it’s a lot easier to shop for.


Ten Reasons I’m a Decent Jew

1. I hate shellfish.  

2. I honor my mother and father. I’ve never stolen, murdered, committed adultery, born false witness, made a carved image, coveted my neighbor’s wife or his donkey.**  Seven out of ten ain’t bad.

3. Passover is one of my favorite holidays.  What’s not to like about matzoh ball soup, plagues, and a ghostly visitor?  I could totally live off unleavened bread and charoses.

4. I’m really good at the guilt.  I feel guilty about almost everything.  It’s one of the reasons I’m such a goody two-shoes.  I would be completely overwhelmed by feelings of guilt before I got to enjoy any of the good sins.

5. I’m ‘legally’ Jewish.  My mother is, her mother was, and her mother was, et cetera.  So technically, no matter how bad a Jew I am, my bloodline trumps.

6. I’ve read the Old Testament.***  Everyone lives into their hundreds, and sometimes it’s feminist, like when a woman named Jael drives a tent spike through her husband’s head.  I’m particularly fond of Exodus, though Genesis has its moments. 

7. I’m a big fan of things that are fried in oil.  

8. When we went to Prague, we visited the Jewish cemetery, and I almost had a religious experience.  I also took a picture of a Jewish snail.

9. I’ve seen Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, but not Jesus Christ, Superstar.

10. I don’t believe Jesus is God.  Jesus was a rabbi, read the Bible.



* Technically I’m not sure if this is a violation since bacon bits, much like their canine counterpart Beggin’ Strips, don’t actually contain pig.

**It helps that none of my neighbors have donkeys.  Though if they had an ox, I might covet that, just because it would be kind of cool to have an ox – it’s my zodiac sign.

***Most of it.


Quote of the Day: 

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?” -Billy Connolly, comedian

Link of the Day: Cool Jew – Ultimate Guide for Every Member of the Tribe

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Stephanie permalink
    December 29, 2008 10:38 am


  2. January 6, 2009 6:28 pm

    I’ve read part of Leviticus. Can I be Jewish too?

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