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Confessions of a Fag Hag

November 2, 2008

Um, wow, if I’d known I was going to have 1000+ visitors from Whedonesque yesterday, I would have dressed for the occasion.  Thank you to whoever linked me, it absolutely made my day.  Unfortunately the sudden increase in traffic detoured me from NaNoWriMo – I’m something of a review whore, so instead of digging through middle school memories, I kept refreshing the page to watch my blog stats rise.  I like to be liked.  It’s not the most pleasant way to go through life, constantly craving positive reinforcement, but I can think of worse.

I was going to title this post, “Might As Well Call Me Grace…and Not Because I’m Light on My Feet.”  I am, I believe, what is known in less-than-polite circles as a ‘fag hag’. Yes, I love me the gays.  Not in the sense that I think I can convert my homosexual homeboys with my wily female ways, but in the sense that at nearly twenty-three, most of my closest relationships are with men who prefer other men.

It started at a young age, with a favorite uncle.  There was a time when I equated homosexuality with sock suspenders, expensive ties, snake-skin belts, Elton John, and a love of musical theatre.  I couldn’t distinguish between the man my uncle was and who I expected him to be because I knew he was gay.  

As time went on, I began to see homophobia as a cause that needed championing – by me.  I started criticizing people who used, ‘That’s so gay,’ as a euphemism for bad, wrong, or lame.  I offered advice to a devoutly Catholic friend struggling with his coming out.  And I was thrilled when one of my oldest friends introduced me to his boyfriend.  After all, my uncle was gay.  I lived in West Hollywood.  Gay men were awesome!

It wasn’t really until I transferred to Riverside that I started to see beyond the flamboyant stereotype I had unconsciously adopted.  In fact, after two years at Riverside, I started to wonder if all gay men were secretly nerds.  What they saw in me, I’ll never know, but I was instantly drawn to them, partly because they were friends of a friend, partly because they shared many of my geek tendencies or love of writing, and partly for ulterior motives.  

I think I’m closer to my gay friends because they’re open with me, and around them I can feel absolutely free to be myself.  They don’t judge, but best of all, there’s no fear of sexual tension.  None of them want into my pants.  I feel safe when I’m with them, and I don’t have to watch what I say, because I’m not trying to impress.  They are some of the best, most generous people I know.  (Don’t go getting big heads, boys.)

I will confess to occasionally wishing I could find a heterosexual someone like one of my gay boyfriends to be my actual boyfriend, but I wouldn’t wish they were different for the world.  Who else would I go shopping with? 

Knowing so many wonderful gay men as I do, including some in loving relationships, I can’t understand why anyone would want to keep them from getting married.  It’s not as if denying them equal rights with heterosexual couples will suddenly turn them straight.  “I can’t marry another man, so I’ll just have to marry a woman!”  

Men and women will continue to be gay whether or not you ‘let’ them get married.  You don’t have to like it (though that would be nice), you just have to live with it.   Anyone who thinks gay marriage somehow makes their ‘traditional’ marriage less valid must not have a lot of confidence in the sanctity of their union.  How would they feel if the government imposed divorce on them?

A few months ago, when the state supreme court decided to allow gay marriage, I wrote about my uncle and his now-husband.  We’ve had a falling out, and though I didn’t go to his wedding, I’m still happy that he was able to have it.  In this age of divorce, a relationship that has lasted over a decade ought to be celebrated in whatever way they see fit.  Marriage should be about love, not religion.

So please, Californians, vote No on Prop 8 Tuesday.  Don’t deny me my chance to go to a gay wedding some day.  

 

Quote of the Day:

“Absolutely NO on Prop 8 because I believe that gay people have every right to get married and share their lives. George and Brad have been together for many years. They have every right to be together in any way they choose. Prop 8 is completely unjust.” – Leonard Nimoy, talking about his Star Trek co-star George Takei and husband Brad Altman

Link of the Day: No on 8 – Don’t eliminate marriage for anyone.

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