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If Television Was Reviewed By Hallmark

October 28, 2008


First things first: to the person who sought “apeman fucking jane videos” and found my blog instead, my deepest condolences.

Second, I think I’m going to move my weekly television review to Tuesdays from now until however long I can keep it up.  Given the current state of television (a.k.a. completely uninspiring) the feature could be dead in a few weeks.  There’s almost nothing that I have to watch anymore.  My Tivo’s overloaded, and sometimes it’s hard to summon the interest to go through the episodes and clear them out.  Despite how much I loved the premiere of Private Practice, I haven’t seen an episode since.  I just don’t care enough.  Ugh, how completely depressing.

This week’s inspiration, what there is of it, comes from the greeting card industry.  All photos are courtesy of Hallmark, though they don’t know it.


I'm interesting and I make some good points, but I'm no substitute for you.

I'm interesting and I make some good points, but I'm no substitute for you.

Dearest Pushing Daisies, my island of originality in a sea of sameness,

I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that you’re taking a step back from codependency.  As adorable as Chuck and Ned are, as much as I’d hate for them to fall out of love or anything like it, Ned was starting to come off as pathetic.  How did he survive all those years without Chuck, hm?  Thank you for teaching Ned the hardest lesson – how to cope with, even enjoy, being alone.


Hollywood Jane

P.S. Don’t you think it’s time you let Olive in on the piemaker’s secret?  She’s a team-player now, and though it might send her back to the nunnery, it might also help her get past her love for Ned.



The people have spoken.

The people have spoken.


To Whichever Hero It Concerns:

Apparently you’re listening to the people who only want you to improve – still, kindly remember that your audience is not a yo-yo.  You can’t keep yanking us around for your own amusement.  ‘He’s evil,’ ‘He’s good,’ ‘She’s evil,’ ‘She’s good’ – enough already.  I get the feeling that you don’t know what you’re doing anymore, that you’re basing all your decisions on the whims of your fans.  Here’s a newsflash for you: fans don’t always know what’s good for a show.  If you’re letting the fans dictate the scripts, then you’ve got a problem.  First and foremost, you have to tell a story.  Why is that so hard to understand?

By the way, you’ve got to be the most incestuous show on television – and Daphne looks about 12 years old when she stands next to her ‘future husband,’ so there!

No love,

Hollywood Jane


My dear Supernatural,

I’m sorry I stayed away so long, but I’ve almost caught up.  Thank you for restoring my faith in good television, you’re every bit as strong as ever before.  In the Beginning answered so many questions and raised just enough new ones.  Monster Movie was a bit of inspired brilliance – but you’re not just about the funny.  I’ve been waiting ages for Sam to tell Dean off for his pious bullshit, and Metamorphosis didn’t disappoint!  The boys are back, and I didn’t realize just how much I missed them.

Yours truly,

Hollywood Jane


Dear House,

You talk a lot about auto-immune diseases, and it’s never lupus, but I just wanted to say thank you for shining a spotlight, as brief as it may have been, on a disease I actually know something about; my grandmother suffered from Sjogren’s Syndrome. 

On the other hand, it’s a pity you’re following a well-traveled path with Thirteen and her downward spiral.  Why don’t you step away from your formula for a moment and surprise us?

With mixed feelings,

Hollywood Jane




Plus, I'm sometimes skittish and indecisive.

Plus, I'm sometimes skittish and indecisive.


Oh, Tina Fey,

You may be having a hard time attracting viewers for 30 Rock,  but your amazingly – and somewhat frighteningly – accurate portrayal of Sarah Palin has made me desperate for Thursday and a new episode.  You are, in a word, awesome.  I can’t admire you more as both an actress and a writer.  Enough Joe the Plumber, I want my Kenneth the Page.  Please don’t disappoint!  I couldn’t take the heartache.

So much love,

Hollywood Jane



Every so often, the right thing happens to the right person for the right reason.

Every so often, the right thing happens to the right person for the right reason.

Dear How I Met Your Mother,

Congratulations on ditching Stella (though I hear she’ll be back.)  Nothing against Sarah Chalke who put on a good performance, but you could only drag that storyline out for so long.  Everybody and their mother knows that Stella isn’t that titular character; it wasn’t suspenseful so much as aggravating.  The show doesn’t have to end once Ted actually meets her, despite the title.  Seriously.  There’s dating, and breaking up, and getting back together, an engagement and finally a wedding.  That could take a good long time.  Doesn’t mean you have to wait another season before finally introducing her. 


Hollywood Jane


Hey, you weren't there, and somebody had to do it. Miss You.

Hey, you weren't there, and somebody had to do it. Miss You.

Sigh.  I miss Lost.  


Quote of the Day: 

Ted: The lamb here is supposed to be great.

Nora: I am a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder. But, I guess I’m just not as strong as you are.

Ted: That’s ’cause you need protein.

How I Met Your Mother, “Shelter Island”

Link of the Day:  Overheard Everywhere – my newest internet obsession.  You can’t make this stuff up – unless you’re a writer.

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