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Harder Than I Thought

June 11, 2008

Today I’ve been alternately touchy and dazed, as if in a dream.  I tried to make a to-do list this morning and it was as if couldn’t keep all the errands in my head at the same time.  I actually forgot what day of the week it was – I had to check my computer’s calendar to be sure.  It might have been Tuesday, it might have been Wednesday, for several minutes I had no idea.

After having lunch with my aunt in Santa Monica, I stopped at the Westside Pavilion mall, and when I headed home, I got on the freeway going the wrong direction.  I’ve taken that same exact route a thousand times, it has to be second nature by now, but it was several miles before I realized why nothing looked right.

Of course, while I was in Santa Monica, I was gifted with a ticket courtesy of the Santa Monica Parking Nazis, for failing to have my current tags on my license.  

Occasionally we all need to vent – trouble is, I don’t know why I need it.  Nothing’s happened that should put me in such a volatile mood.  

When I was at Mills College, I was depressed.  It felt a lot like this; being angry or snappish despite knowing there’s no basis for it.  A diagnosis of PMDD and small dosage of anti-depressants did wonders, and kept me from being a hell-beast for half the month.  But before I was given my happy pills, the only thing that could pull me out of a self-imposed funk was a walk around the campus at night.  Just me and my iPod, belting out showtunes at the top of my lungs.

Mills was dead at night and on the weekends.  The campus was gated and isolated, and I didn’t worry about prowlers; I took karate and self-defense.  Despite the headphones, I was always on alert.  I took the long way around, stepping down paths guaranteed to take me away from people.  And I sang until I was hoarse.  When it was cold, my nose burned and dripped, but I kept singing, and by the time I made it back to my dorm, I felt better, rejuvenated, despite being half-frozen.

One night, not long before I left the school, I took a different path, one that led me up the main drive, marked by eucalyptus, towards the gates.  Before I got that far, I stopped in the Mills chapel.

I’m not a religious person, but I had never seen the chapel before, and knew I was leaving, so I thought it was worth a peek.  The single room is shaped like a pentagon, and quite beautiful.  The benches were honey-colored wood set in a semi-circle around the altar, and overhead was a spectacular pipe organ.  

I sat in silence in the last row, just thinking.  It was amazingly peaceful, and though I felt guilty for being an atheist in a religious sanctuary, I enjoyed it while it lasted.

I’m going to take a walk.


Quote of the Day: 

“Love yourself and everything else falls into line. You really do have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball, actress and comedian

Link of the Day: Waterstones’ Postcard Stories – for a little bit of inspiration.

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